From: darktormentum@lake_of_fire.org

 

To:  Imp Class of 2019 - General Mailbox

 

MY FINE YOUNG IMPS

 

Raise a toast of blood and fear,

a dread to deep to tell.

Here's to another outstanding year

of dragging souls to hell.

 

I like to start of each year's damnation with a bit of rhyme. Must be the artist in me.

 

Before I begin, it may have come to your attention that in our last class, Smoggrumbles was noticeably absent from our highly instructive lesson. He has proven to be, according to our Dark Master, a most delicate morsel - and should also be a warning to those of you who have the sense to learn from his warped attempt at humor. There is no such thing in hell as "time off" or a "holiday," such as the humans know it. The only thing remotely close to such an idea is when we have pulled off some sort of major damnation of souls, such as turning loose a cadre of our maniac Muslim servants to butcher an entire village of peaceful (and unarmed, may I add) Christians. I think you all remember the grand three-day orgy enjoyed by all hell after Boko Haram burned an entire village. Surely a prime reason to celebrate and cease from our labors while we feasted upon those souls unfortunate enough to not be under the Enemy's care. But we don't call that a "vacation" as such. You are either daming souls or enjoying their screams as you feast upon them. There is no time off in the Lowerworld.

 

Smoggrumbles' attempt at humor was lame enough by asking for a vacation, but to attach it to that despicable act by our Enemy - "Can we have time off like the humans do at this time of year?" My hell, I guess he thought he was somehow being funny, but it appears to me that the Lowerworld has a very mentally ill imp on our hands. Even as a joke, any mention regarding the human celebration of our Enemy humiliating Himself to take on body made of the same disgusting meat in which humans are ensouled is an unacceptable foray into forbidden territory. It was a strange level of insanity, committed in the worst of poor taste. When this ill-tempered attempt at jocularity reached the ears of our Dark Master, I was ordered to personally bring Smoggrumbles to the feet of our Dark Master. The ensuing response was terrifying to watch. I am no young demon - seasoned warrior of hell - but our Dark Master's wrath is nothing I wish to be even remotely near. Hell has no sympathy, and Smoggrumbles is finding that out right now. I am not sure what course of action might be taken to bring him to his senses, but on the other hand, he may simply be declared fit to be nothing more than continuing sustenance for our Master's depraved pleasure, unto the rest of known time. Someone failed to raise this imp correctly. If I were either one of his breeders, I would be looking over my shoulder with a great deal of apprehension.

 

Now, to the work at hand - our great plan for the human's new year of 2016.

 

The Nuclear Hope!

 

We have a lot of well-cured political leaders on this cursed little planet, which gives us great anticipation that this will be the year our plans for exterminating the human race come to full frutition. With a little prodding of their pride, it is expected that we can encourage them to turn their planet into a smoking ball of nuclear waste, utterly devoid of life. By "well-cured" I mean that these politicians are bat-crap crazy, arrogant, and hopefully at the point where the right provocation to said pride will start World War III. With the nuclear toys they have in their military arsenals, we have a glorious chance this year to end our Enemy's ludicrous experiment once and for all. Let us discuss some of the more prominent political leaders you should observe and learn from:

 

The most excellent among our government servants resides in the American White House. I want you to study this man closely this year. Take time to go over his records for the last seven years, with special attention at how he lies with a straight face. Every single delicious sin we have invented resides in this man. He is a delightful specimen of narcissism of the kind we have not seen since our little French maniac, Napoleon Bonaparte. Ohhhhhhh.... Monsieur Bonaparte, you are going to conquer ze world, eh? You even have threaten ze pope in your hubris, and now what of you? Well, our boy Barack is a kissin' cousin to him, and I have great hopes that in his pride, he will be the one to push the red button that ends this planet once and for all. If he doesn't, the next best thing will be if we get him to finally go over the edge and suspend the American elections, declare martial law, and imprison all of our Enemy's people in America as being "enemies of democracy" or some such other crap like that. Either action will be a splendid piece of work for the new year, but we are really working towards one large final mushroom cloud of human termination.

 

And then we have his Russian counterpart, Vladimir Putin, who fancies himself a fine Christian but just can't seem to shake his addiction to war and oppression of those who are not Russian. Most specifically, he finds himself in the odd position of lighting candles to the One called "The Prince of Peace" while he is bombing the bejesus out of Ukraine. I was hopeful that when he stood up to Obama we would get the nuclear holocaust we are plotting, but neither one of them could find the chutzpah to push the damn button! Too bad. We can still hope for a nuclear confrontation in the near future. The main drawback with Putin, if you study his records, is that he is a cunning strategist with certain moral scruples. Obama, on the other hand, is a simpleton,  a self-absorbed moron without a clue. Even if we manage to push Obama to make a first action against Russia somewhere in the world, Putin is one of those shrewd chaps who will weigh every facet of the action and may very well not respond in the manner we so desire. It will be interesting - and a good training experience for you - to watch how this all plays out this year. Study these two humans closely as the year progresses. They are our main players on the earthly stage.

 

The supporting cast to these two men are all the Muslim fanatics who continue to provide us with a steady stream of souls and a great opportunity for complete nuclear conflagration in the Middle East. Misogynist, sadistic mullahs are the great link we have to the illiterate desert monkeys who follow them, thinking in their delusion that they speak for God. The Middle East is filled with these darkened souls who obey every vile passion we suggest to them. They are so easily made to kill, rape, and destroy that it almost takes the fun out of being a demon. If we can find just the right combination of maniac and suitcase nuke, our world war will be off and running.

 

The only problem with them is when they kill the Enemy's people and send them directly to heaven. We have to fix that somehow. Time is on our side regarding temptation of the Enemy's people, therefore, we simply cannot have them short-circuited directly to the Enemy by being blown to bits or beheaded by our servants. The longer a Christian is left on earth, the better the chance of turning him away from the Church and back to a life of sin, but when a Muslim martyrs a Christian, we lose that chance. Such losses are most displeasing to our Dark Master. I will give you a little hint here: any imp who comes up with a successful plan to remedy this situation will be richly rewarded by His Darkness. It is imperative that we get our Muslim cohorts to concentrate on blowing up themselves and other non-believers and leaving the Christians on earth to be tempted. 

 

What is most useful to our cause is the lack of any serious adherents to our Enemy's religion. There are, at last count, somewhere around one billion members of the Enemy's Church, but I would doubt that we could find enough holiness in all of them to power a small light bulb. Oh, there are a few outposts of holiness here and there, such as the monks on Athos and in Cody, Wyoming, but by and large, the Enemy's teachings - love your enemies, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, etc. - are being nicely ignored by the general mass of Christians. Somehow they have come to think that using their VISA cards until they smoke is the newest form of "corporal works of mercy."

 

Based on centuries of observing human beings, we are on the verge of civil war in several countries, and the right combination of civil unrest and political corruption could easily be the way to backdoor our desired nuclear holocaust. The poor get tired of having nothing and watching the rich ignore them while they live lives of sumptuous delicacy. This may well be the year that the breaking point is reached and the blood begins to flow in earnest. That would be, of course, good for us. The worst thing that could happen to our dark plans would be for the human vermin to begin to take the words of our Enemy with seriousness and actually care more for each other than the money and toys they we have led them to feel they need so badly.

 

So....here is our multifaceted plan of attack for the coming year:

 

1. More wars. Stir up feelings of hatred and revenge. Pit the classes against each other. Remind the humans of every atrocity and never let them think of the Enemy's admonition to forgive their enemies. Stir up more ethnic hatred. Above all, make the warmongers think that war is not only their only option, but what their "god" expects from them to make him happy.

 

2. More toys. We will continue to promote mindless consumerism by reinforcing the idea that owning stuff will actually create happiness and is the purpose of life. Distract, distract, distract. Don't let them ever think that serving another human being is the true road to joy and contentment. And when they get bored with their current toys, we will create new ones for them.

 

3. More sex. Lots and lots more sex. Our degenerate government servants in the American government will continue to be our front line for promotion of consequence-free sexuality. Abortion has been funded in America for another year. Let us take full advantage of this. Promotion of homosexual behavior, abortion, and general immorality will continue, thanks to our servants in the mass media. We have all but destroyed the Enemy's ugly Sacrament of Marriage and this year will be an all out push for world-wide acceptance of gay "marriage" and other bizarre perversions which will continue to spit upon that Sacrament.

 

4.  Amusements. The NFL is bigger than the Enemy's church on Sundays. Television, video games, movies, and sports have replaced Bible reading, prayer, church attendance, and meditation on the world to come. We shall do everything we can to continue to keep the mudbugs distracted from their true Home.

 

5.  False religion. We are currently grooming several false messiahs who will draw away multitudes into worshiping Our Dark Father under the guise of newly revealed "truth." Current scandals in the Enemy's Church will insure that many outside the Church will continue to have no interest at all in Her truth. The same old lies about the Church will be recycled for another year. Remember, a lie travels a thousand miles while truth is still putting on her shoes. Promote those lies whenever you can.

 

Simple plan, ages old, great results. Hell is full and getting bigger every day.

 

"There's nothing new there," I hear you say.

 

Ah, but my dear young imps, that is the beauty of success. You don't change what works, and these plans, which appeal to the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, have always produced for us. My fine imp class of 2019, you will have a part in this year's damnation of souls. I have a new course syllabus for the coming year and you will all receive a copy shortly. Study it carefully, know what is expected of you, and show up in class ready for serious damnation work. You will be doing field work this year and much is expected of you - including ever-increasing quotas. Each one of you will have a personal human assignment and a long term group project, such as creating yet another "church" full of rebellious misfits whose only commonality with others is their hatred of our Enemy's true Church. 

 

And for hell's sake....if you value your miserable existence down here, don't even thinking of kidding around with me. I'm here for damnation, not jokes.

 

Great Master Trainer

 

Infernus.